long nights and sleepy days
Hi! Are you a new or recent visitor to my blog? I hope you stick around and have a bit of a read. To make it easier to keep up to date with new content, please subscribe to my RSS feed. Of course, feedback is always appreciated and leaving a comment is a great way for me to come and check out your site.
No editing. Just tumbling out of my brain. The brain that is really letting me down. I am really ANGRY right now because I keep having to deal with depressive episodes. I WANT to do things and make things and put all my plans into ACTION but the unbalanced chemicals in my brain (apparently) say “no don’t bother, just sit around moping and doing nothing. in fact, why don’t you go and have a little lie down - it doesn’t matter if it’s a lovely day outside, you are tired and bored/boring so you can pass some time by sleeping all day - at least until the kids get home from school, then you have to get your shit together again”Â
Not to mention the guilt that then kicks in - guilt about putting Emma in front of yet another DVD rather than doing something with her, guilt about all the projects I really want to be getting on with, guilt about all the supplies I keep amassing, guilt about client orders I am supposed to be working on, and on and on it goes.
I am so angry because I feel like my life is passing me by and the years keep on rolling and yet here I am AGAIN, at the end of another year, still regularly feeling depressed and demotivated. I feel really ripped off - I want to reach my potential, to see what I can do with this business and with my creativity, but I keep missing the boat through lack of GET UP AND GO.Â
Yes I am on anti-depressants and luckily they at least take away the really nasty stuff, like bad thoughts, and let me get on with doing what I need to do (like being a good mum) but I still get left with a massive dose of down-heartedness, self-doubt, demotivation and more.
I don’t talk about this much on this blog. Usually the times when I don’t blog are very often the times that I am tangled up in guilt, lacklustre-ness and depression. I self-edit, thinking that I should just keep quiet (blog-wise) unless I have something to show, but one of the worst symptoms of this thing is that when I am under it’s spell, I just CAN’T seem to get off my arse and make stuff. Or if I do, it’s under a lot of duress and requires a hell of a lot of talking myself into it, which then wears me out mentally. I know if I could just get lost in creating things (scrapping, sewing, art, whatever) I will love it and it will lift my mood - even if it’s only while I am submerged in the process - but I so often can’t seem to get there.
It really annoys me that some other people who have troubles with depression or anxiety or related problems still seem to be able to create and blog in the midst of it all while I can’t seem to. Anyway, I guess I have blogged about it right now.Â
Hopefully, normal crafting will re-commence soon. Â
Â
Permalink
Visited 8602 times
Email this Post
Print this Post
hey! try this out: visit a random post on my blog
subscribe to
Faye Said,
Wednesday, November 22, 2006 @ 6:42 am
You are not alone, and it is just as hard for those who live with you and your depression too. They feel helpless and at a loss to help you too, they can only standby and watch you go down deeper into your depression. At best it is better for you to have your time-out alone and for your loved ones to ignore you and get on with their own lives or else you will be taking them down with you. Ride it out, you have no choice, it will lift eventually and your life will resume until next time. Let go of the guilt…the stuff you buy is cheaper than therapy…that’s what I tell myself, it can wait, it will still be there to go back to later if you choose to.
Keep blogging, keep talking it out, we are here to listen to you. Forget the editing. Just be YOU. How did yu trip to Melbourne go?
Jane Whittred Said,
Wednesday, November 22, 2006 @ 10:03 pm
Hmmmm, I think you are very brave to be able to write this down. I love seeing what you are doing and am going to start my own blog soon. However, just like you, I have so much on my plate that starting another thing just isn’t possible and I have to allow myself some time to do what has already been started or needs to get done. We are visual people, we see the world through visual eyes. If you can’t see what you have done right in front of you you feel like you haven’t done anything. Well thats how I feel anyway. Perhaps you need to not take on anything new for a month or so and just focus on what is in process and also just being a Mum and Wife at the moment. Your work you do is fantastic and an inspiration. I love your visual diary and will hopefully use it as a great example next year when I begin teaching (yes, I am in the middle of a DipEd). And finally, it’s so nice to know I am not the only one who always feels too tired or unenergetical to get into my artwork!
jane.
Susan McGarvey Said,
Thursday, November 23, 2006 @ 6:39 am
You are certainly not alone! I completely understand how you feel. I’ve written only a few times in my blog about depression, partly because I don’t want friends and family to worry and partly because when I ‘m depressed, I can’t get out of bed. I take antidepressants, too, but they don’t always work or I forget them for a few days (at which point I’m too depressed to even care if I take them) or I don’t know what goes wrong. I slept away this last weekend and was so mad at myself. I hope your fog lifts soon and you start feeling your creative self busting to get through!
nichola Said,
Saturday, November 25, 2006 @ 6:13 pm
I hope you feel better soon and find some motivation to start something creative. big hugs.